This is a continuation of my other page titled "Domestic abuse". To summarize that page, mental abuse consists of the use of words or some of the precursor actions (please read my other page for the details) by another person which cause you to feel intimidated or threatened. These words and actions force you to change your own behaviors so as not to provoke the anger of the other person. Physical abuse is just that ... any physical contact used as inappropriate punishment or as a way to control you.

     There are four main reasons people give for not reporting abuse:
           1) "If I give him (her) a chance, he'll (she'll) change." You telling the person they're not behaving in an acceptable way will only provoke further anger. Doing nothing will make the person think what they're doing IS acceptable. Until the abuser is ready to admit they have a problem, they're not going to change.
           2) "I don't want him (her) to get into trouble." Look at it this way, it's better for them to be in trouble than for you to sit around taking a beating for doing nothing more than being yourself. If the person didn't want trouble, they wouldn't be abusing you.
          3) "I deserved it." No you didn't! You can state your opinion, go out with your friends against the other person's "wishes", speak to your family, break every dish and glass you own by accident, ruin their favorite shirt in the wash ... you get the idea ... without deserving to be belittled or beat up for those things.
          4) "He (she) will find me and kill me if I report him (her)." The other variation is "He (she) will kill me if I ever leave him (her)." This reasoning isn't logical, although I realize most people in an abusive relationship may not always be thinking logically. What's the alternative to the situation in which someone MIGHT kill you for either reporting them or leaving? They might do it if you don't do either of those things. More people are killed each year when they choose to stay in an abusive relationship than those killed after they report the abuse or leave the relationship.

     The only way to stop the abuse is to do something about it. Go to the authorities and file a report. In cases where the abuse is physical, get pictures of the results and keep them in a safe place such as giving them to a friend to hold for you. This documents on-going abuse. The best way to do this is to go to the emergency room and have everything documented. File the appropriate paperwork to get a Protection From Abuse order (PFA) and restraining orders. The most important thing to do is get out of the situation. Stop making excuses and looking for the other person to improve on their own. I don't want your way out of the relationship to be an ambulance ride to the emergency room or the Medical Examiner's van taking you to the morgue.